The teen-rearing season of parenthood can feel a bit like being up a creek without a paddle. Nothing you’ve learned in your parenting journey thus far seems to apply in this stage of communicating and connecting with adolescent children. The days of raising teens bring with them a unique set of challenges that find many parents simply trying to survive.
But, while certainly more difficult in many ways, it’s not impossible to retain or rebuild a relationship with your child during this stage, and Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Co-owner of the Parent-Child Interaction Center and Canopy Counseling in Fort Collins, Rebecca Arbach, has a wealth of tips and tricks to share with parents in the throes of raising teens.
Learn to listen
When it comes to connecting with teens, a frequent complaint from parents is that their teenager doesn’t talk to them anymore. Where banter once occurred easily, parents’ attempts at conversation are met with one word answers, or even broody silence. According to Arbach, there’s one common thing parents do to cause their teen to be conversationally defensive, and it’s an easy fix.
“I find that in my work parents often try to impart wisdom on their teens, taking the top-down approach, rather than actively listening to what their teen has going on,” she says. “I always encourage parents to try taking the backseat approach, and letting their teen lead the conversation, by hearing and validating their teen’s experience and asking open-ended questions.”
Once the door to communication has been successfully opened, the trick is to keep it that way. “Some parents are very quick to try to fix things,” says Arbach. “Their instinct is to try to protect their kid, rather than empower them. The key is to let them know you’re there for them without being too pushy.”
Transition from parent to guide
“One of the things we talk about in our field is, you only have a child to parent for about 12 years; everything after that is guiding,” says Arbach. She explains that a parent’s job as their child reaches adolescence shifts from hands-on teaching, to more of a background role, as they allow their teen to begin creating their own narrative. This can sometimes mean allowing teens to fail and accept the natural consequences of their actions.
“If a kid doesn’t study and then fails a test, that’s a natural consequence,” says Arbach. “It can be hard as a parent to watch this happen and not intervene, but if we don’t let them experience these real life consequences now, it can set them up for failure in the future.”
Explore their interests
As children get older and their interests change, it may feel impossible as a parent to find ways to spend time together, doing things you both enjoy. Whether your teen seems to spend every spare second gaming, or disappears to a friend’s house each weekend, it’s important to find a balance that allows them to spread their wings while setting aside time to connect as a family.
“Up until the age of 12, kids’ strongest attachment is their parent attachment; they want to please their parents,” says Arbach. “During adolescence, that strong attachment switches to a peer attachment, and many parents really struggle with that.”
Arbach’s first tip for coping with this transition is to realize it’s natural, and not to be taken personally. Secondly, she recommends learning to speak the child’s language.
“Rather than suggesting things to do that you, the parent, enjoys,” she says, “enter your teen’s world for a bit.”
One of Arbach’s favorite simple activities to accomplish this involves having teens jot down five activities they enjoy, and having the parent pick one to join them in. “Setting aside time once a week or even monthly to step into your teen’s world can go a long way in reconnecting,” says Arbach.
Cherish the small wins
Even when you think we’re doing all the right things, it can be hard to know if you’re succeeding when it comes to raising teens, and they’re unlikely to tell you.
“Teens aren’t always forthcoming with positive feedback,” explains Arbach. “The results of our parenting decisions during these years are really long term, so it’s a hard time to know if we’re making the right parenting choices.”
Arbach says even the smallest gestures can be positive signs during the teen parenting stage. “If your kid wants to spend time with you occasionally, if they come to you to talk now and then, if they enjoy the relationship they have with you overall, even amidst eye rolls and typical teen behavior, we can view that as a win,” she says. “It’s when we see kids totally shutting down and not connecting at all with their parents that we worry about an underlying problem, either in the relationship or with the teen as an individual.”
If parents have concerns about their teen’s mental health or well-being beyond what feels typical for their age, it’s important to seek professional help.
Let them spread their wings
“One of the hardest things for us as parents is to allow our kids to be individuals; to realize they’re not extensions of us,” says Arbach. “While it can be hard to see your kid going a different direction than you would yourself, expression and autonomy are so important at this age.”
Arbach explains that even if you don’t approve of a phase your child is in, it’s best to let them explore their own identity, without judging or trying to control them.
“Kids are trying different outfits and identities on, and rarely do they stick forever,” she says. “Childhood is a continuous evolution, especially in adolescence. They’re just trying to find their footholds.”
With that said, it’s important to exercise limits when it comes to dangerous behavior such as inappropriate online activity or substance abuse; or decisions that have permanent effects, like tattoos.
The best thing parents can do, according to Arbach, is to set clear and reasonable expectations with the goal of empowering and motivating teens, rather than controlling or punishing.
“Build upon that foundation you’ve worked to create with your child their whole life,” says Arbach. “Empower them to make responsible choices and you’ll be setting you both up for success.”
